I recently went to an actual grocery store for the first time in a while, and the cereal aisle had me majorly shook—Cheerios seem to have gone the way of Oreos, decking the shelves with upwards of 1 million different flavor options. Well, it's 15, to be exact, plus some limited-edition ones (like *whispers* pumpkin spice). Here's a semi-scientific analysis of the offerings, divided by genus:
The classics
OG Cheerios will always be tied with Honey Nut for the two best cereals of all time. This is an indisputable fact (okay, just let me have this one). Plain Cheerios eaten out of the box is the ultimate snack for babies and adult babies alike, but they're also damn good in a granola.
BUY IT: Cheerios, $2.50 on Amazon
Original Cheerios' semi-healthy cousin, Honey Nut Cheerios (and their leftover milk), are a salty-sweet gift from above. They hit all of the flavor receptors that matter in the morning. Let it be known: I freaking love Honey Nut Cheerios, and I will defend the honor of these original two flavors until my dying breath.
BUY IT: Honey Nut Cheerios, $2.76 on Amazon
The fruity flavors
There's literally a flavor of Cheerios called "Fruity," which is hilariously vague, and also seems like an unnecessary counterpart to Trix, another excellent General Mills cereal in its own right. Fine, Cheerios, do what you must to corner the cereal market.
BUY IT: Fruity Cheerios, $2.99 on Amazon
While I can't really imagine a scenario in which someone would choose strawberry-flavored oat cereal over fresh strawberries, I have to assume that said scenario exists. Hence, this cereal.
BUY IT: Strawberry Cheerios, $16 for 2 boxes on Amazon
I guess I'm biased against fruit-flavored cereals that aren't Trix (see above note), and I can't get on board with these. But, hey, if this is your thing, I'm not judging. (Seriously, though, have you had Trix?)
BUY IT: Very Berry Cheerios, $2.99 on Amazon
Naturally, Cheerios has their take on Apple Jacks, a cereal that doesn't even attempt to taste like apples but is delicious nonetheless. Would definitely drink leftover apple cinnamon cereal milk with a straw.
BUY IT: Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, $3.21 on Amazon
The chocolatey ones
Chocolate cereal can always hang, as far as I'm concerned. These hit me right in the childhood-forbidden-fruit feels—slurp-worthy leftover chocolate milk and all.
BUY IT: Chocolate Cheerios, $9.22 on Amazon
There's a lot going on here, and still, with the longest and weirdest name of the bunch, this sounds awesome. Apparently those little crunchy bits taste like "they're coated in Nesquick powder." Sign me up.
BUY IT: Multi-Grain Dark Chocolate Crunch Cheerios, $10.95 on Walmart
Oh, and a Chocolate Peanut Butter flavor is on the horizon...real original, Cheerios. Real. Original. Kidding—I'm sort of really into this idea. Please hurry up with these, Cheerios Powers That Be.
...And the miscellaneous, borderline blasphemous ones
Here's where it gets weird: there are two flavors of Cheerios Protein (Cinnamon Almond and Oats & Honey), which, despite having a few more grams of protein per serving than the other flavors (shout out to to soy protein isolate), have a helluva lot of sugar (17 grams per serving). These aren't here for health, they're here for deliciousness.
BUY IT: Cheerios Protein, $3.49 on Amazon
Just as cringe-y is Cheerios + Ancient Grains, which is essentially just plain Cheerios mixed with quinoa clusters, puffed wheat, and puffed spelt. Okay, fine, this is very on-trend, but Cheerios are above cool-hunting.
BUY IT: Ancient Grains Cheerios, $4.30 on Amazon
Enough with the gimmicks, Cheerios. We don't need pumpkin spice, added protein, or bougie grains. We love you just the way you are. As long as you're Original or Honey Nut, that is.
